What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 03:49
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Put me off passion for life!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is soul school!.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He knew the spot.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My life is so biszare .
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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All the time i was locked up.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
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I have no regrets .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So, i spoilt her more .
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I write beautiful poetry .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i lived it daily.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One cannot live in the past .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My family never makes their pension either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ive learnt so much.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
But it wasn’t much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When she asked me how she looked .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She married twice! .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But, we were locked up after school.
Would this be the day?
Was to survive, this bastard.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was scared of men, in general
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It was going to be , some day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im still living with it.
I said to her
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..